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By: Justin Rivers
In a COVID-19-plagued college football season, where we are worried about players testing positive for the coronavirus, we unfortunately have been subjected to numerous programs testing positive for SUCK. Frankly, putridity appears to be contagious this season in college football, and the coaching carousel is spinning. In the aftermath of South Carolina – the other USC – dismissing head football coach Will Muschamp and Vanderbilt relieving head football coach Derek Mason of his duties, it felt only right to dedicate an article to coaches whose seats ought to be so hot that their asses are a multiple-alarm blaze. As such, here are my picks for the hottest coaching hot seats in college football and the coaches who should be next to ride the coaching carousel.
Chip Kelly – UCLA
For starters, I truly don’t understand the insane dearth of brain cells that someone needs to lack in order to believe that hiring a loser will result in winning. I just cannot explain it.
Nevertheless, it’s not outside the realm of belief that the worst professional decision Chip Kelly ever made was leaving Oregon. Sure, he was 2-2 in Bowl Games, but he posted an impressive 46-7 record during his four-season stint in Eugene. Nowadays, if you can win at a .868 clip at a basketball school, then you’d think that your job security must be more secure than the Constitution in National Treasure. (Yes, Oregon is a basketball school. Frankly, the Pac-12 is a basketball conference, too.) Plus, Kelly turned Marcus Mariota into a Heisman Trophy winner. In the NFL, he even made Nick Foles look like a stud for a season.
After four seasons in the NFL (three seasons with the Eagles and a 2-14 season with the Niners) that can frankly be described as the pile of poo emoji, Kelly is currently going on year three with the Bruins. In comparison to the Jim Mora-era that consisted of four Bowl Games and four winning seasons, Chip Kelly and the Bruins STINK! Under Kelly, they’ve gotten exceedingly worse. Granted, they beat their crosstown rival USC in his first season; however, USC stunk that year, too. Some people say that it’s now or never for the Chip Kelly experiment, but, when you’ve been winning games at a .321 clip while the last guy was winning nine-plus games and getting to Bowl Games through two seasons, I say the Chip Kelly-era shouldn’t have ever started.
Jim Harbaugh – Michigan
The Jim Harbaugh experience in Michigan hasn’t been that bad, right? Until this season, the Wolverines at least won games. After all, the program has a .690 winning percentage; however, when you’re coaching a team supported by absurdly delusional and irrational fans, then people are going to come for your job when you cannot win the conference – let alone the most important game of the season against Ohio State. Hell, he only beats their other rival, Michigan State, half the time. Currently, he’s 3-3 versus the Spartans and 0-5 against the Buckeyes. Moreover, he’s only 1-6 at home against the Wolverines’ rivals.
To add insult to injury, Harbaugh had previously been touted based on his coaching successes with Andrew Luck at Stanford and a combination of Alex Smith and Colin Kaepernick with the San Francisco 49ers. With the Wolverines, the one position that has glowingly underwhelmed during his tenure has been that of the signal caller. His quarterbacks have either been average or simply bad. Plus, he has had enough time to try and recruit a decent one, too.
This season, the Wolverines have fallen off a cliff. No! Actually, they’ve been kicked off a cliff like Gerard Butler was Spartan kicking foreign people in 300. You know the one ….
Including losses to a 1-5 Penn State squad and a 2-3 Michigan State team, they are currently 2-4. These losses are glaring. Once the Wolverines inevitably get thumped by the Buckeyes for the sixth straight season, I wouldn’t be surprised if Harbaugh got canned the next day. Sometimes, getting an alum to be your coach isn’t the surefire successful move, and this season has the makings of being the straw that finally broke the camel’s back in Ann Arbor.
Scott Frost – Nebraska
For someone who was so outspoken about wanting to play a season and threatening to leave the conference, Scott Frost and the Cornhuskers certainly haven’t looked like a team that should’ve wanted a season. They’re terrible. Currently, they boast a pitiful 1-4 record and are last in their division. Their only win came against a woeful Penn State team that’s currently 1-5. Honestly, this is just another example of mistakenly getting an alum to be your coach – except to a much worse degree.
During his tenure in Lincoln, the Cornhuskers have an unimpressive 10-19 record, a .345 winning percentage, and neither a bowl game nor a winning season of which to speak. Honestly, this guy shouldn’t have left UCF. At least, he won games there, and the winters were surely better. This season, they’ve yet been pummeled by Ohio State in the opener and curb stomped by a 2-3 Illinois team. If you want to keep your job, then at least beat the bad teams; however, as coach of the Cornhuskers, Frost clearly has had a hard time beating anyone, let alone the bad teams. I imagine it’s cold in Nebraska. At least, the cold weather coincides with the university’s football program being stuck in a perpetual igloo of sorrows with Scott Frost at the helm.
Kevin Sumlin – Arizona
As long as you aren’t getting taken out behind the woodshed and getting the breaks beaten off of you week in, week out, I would say that being a football coach at a basketball school is one of the safest, most secure jobs in America. But. DAMN! Kevin Sumlin is in the midst of his third year in Tucson, and, with how things have gone, you would frankly forget that he used to be a winning coach at Texas A&M. With how laughably bad the Wildcats have been, it’s shocking that Sumlin won seven-plus games every season in the SEC.
In 2018, Arizona’s football team went 5-7. In 2019, they managed to regress, going 4-8; however, to make matters even more horrendous, they ended that season on a seven-game losing streak after starting 4-1 and winning four consecutive games. That losing steak has yet to end. This season, they are currently off to a 0-3 start . So, if you’re doing the math at home, then you’ll realize that Sumlin and the program are in the middle of a ten-game losing streak. In other words, THEY STINK! You must have the strongest stomach on earth to be able to stomach this much losing – especially when the last guy, Rich Rodriguez, won three Bowl Games and had only a single losing season. As such, it certainly isn’t outside the realm of belief that Sumlin’s seat, as coach of the Wildcats, should be hot as hell.
So, what do you think? Who’s seat should be hottest? Is there a coach that you believe should’ve made the list? If it’s Les Miles, then I don’t know what to tell you. Before Les arrived at the University of Kansas, the football team sucked. Now? They suck. So, nothing’s changed. And – frankly, Kansas’ fans already weren’t expecting much out of their football team. They probably only watch their basketball team anyways. Nevertheless, still hit us back at the Blitz with your picks for coaches who should be next to ride on the coaching carousel!
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