Gerrit Cole Formal Apology

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE – 10.8.2021

On behalf of the Morning Blitz, we would like to address an unfortunate incident that took place on the night of Tuesday, October 5th, 2021. As a company, all of our employees pride themselves on being devoted sports fans. However, sometimes that devotion can blur the line from being passionate to downright cruel. Perhaps it was the absence of fans during the 2020 season due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Or it was the fourteen $2 shooters of Fireball sold at the Shell gas station outside of Fenway Park. Whatever it was, there is no excuse for what later transpired. The Yankees vs Red Sox rivalry is one of the most elegant events in sports. Two classy, high-end fan bases respectively partaking in America’s pastime.

However, on Tuesday night, our co-founder Danny Healey, who prefers to stay anonymous, was anything but. Upon arrival, Mr. Healey sat west of the visiting bullpen, approximately one row up. It is here where Mr. Healey engaged in truly egregious acts that impeded the integrity of the game. No, we are not talking about using illegal substances to gain an unfair advantage over the competition. This was far more disgusting. One journalist noted that Mr. Healey was sitting so close to the opposing players he could “tap them on the shoulder if he wanted to.” Instead, our co-founder took things to an even more appalling level–he cheered.

Mr. Healey had the audacity to note one opposing pitcher in the bullpen had lost command of the strike zone and seemed alarmingly rattled: “That’s a ball,” he shamelessly howled. To think one would make such heinous comments towards a professional athlete is truly sickening. No man deserves such hardships while performing such a task. No amount of money could make up for this affliction. Not even $324 million. For that reason, the Morning Blitz would like to extend their deepest condolences to Gerrit Cole, the Yankees organization, and the world entirely. Upon further review, the Blitz has elected to suspend their daily newsletter until next Monday (10/11). They will be using said time to reflect on their hateful acts of violence while volunteering with Jake “The Problem Child” Paul to completely eradicate bullying from planet earth. Please respect our privacy, we will not be taking questions at this time. Thank you.

P.S. See you in the bullpen Sunday night Tampa. Let’s rock Sox Nation!

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